Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
