I faked an abortion last night.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
