idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My liver just broke up with me...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
