Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
