i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
