I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
