I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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