I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
