Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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