Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
