Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
