He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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