The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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