toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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