can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
