Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
