I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
