Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
