Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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