It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
