The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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