can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
