Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
