Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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