last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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