We tried having a conversation with our noses.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
