Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
