Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
