I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
