So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
