my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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