Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize