Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
