He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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