Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
