i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
