I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
