in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
