I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
