Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
