Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
