i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize
