So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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