I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
