I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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