non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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