I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize