you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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