Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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