i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
