I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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