i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
