Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
