i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
