1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
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Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
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I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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