I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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