This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
