can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
