I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
