watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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