Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
